The Small Dark Spaces

This was an entry in my personal journal. I was coping with hunger issues (of a sort).

I have finished school for the semester. I lie back on my couch with a pillow on my chest. It is a strange thing to shed so much stress so quickly. I look over at the clock. I have sacrificed so many things. I scratch my cheek. A PhD would be rewarding, but is it enough? I need to be selective about the things I do, I need to do less. I need to not try to devour the world, but be content with some smaller piece of it. No one can have it all, right? There just isn't enough room for everything.

I wandered into my bedroom looking up at my four-poster bed. There is a circular metal tester connecting the posts, and from it are lengths of flax rope. I let them run through my fingers, closing my eyes, smelling the oil. I need this. I untie the rope from the metal, and I place it in a cabinet next to my degree.

My eyes drift over to art work I've gotten from friends. I look at some of the art I've been working on myself. My paintings which are so recently coming back to life. I need this.
No sooner have I finished piling those papers and canvases into my little cabinet than I spy my keyboard. "Ok, then." I wander over to it and power it up. I think I need this. I sit behind it and I inhale sharply, and on the exhale, I begin to play "Comptine d'un autre été". I am so uncoordinated, but I still make up for it with all of the heart I can muster. I finish and let my fingers run up between the black keys. I breathe. Oh yes, I need this.

So in it goes. Along with the music I love and along with my drums. Umpf. Things are really getting cramped in my cabinet, but I smile and whistle as I rearrange things to fit. I hear laughter from behind some books. Two beautiful daughters wave at me. "I need you both", I call to them.

"Daddy, we love you!" They call out. I laugh to myself. When I am good, I am very very good. I'm pretty sure there is more to that little saying.

A torrent of wind hits me from behind. Then paper -- lots and lots of paper. Origami figures. Everywhere. "I had forgotten about you" I called to them. I tiptoe back and forth scooping them up. They are delicate, to be sure. So I find little gaps here and there in my cabinet for each of them. Sadly, I have to let some of them go. But I am certain that I need this.

My cabinet is straining. I sit on the edge of my couch, eyeing it intensely. How am I expected to keep putting things in there? My knees are pulled up under my chin and I am hugging them. I look over at a gym bike, and I look back at the cabinet. "There just isn't any more room," I sigh to myself.

I stare for a while, and well, Hello! I notice that there are still gaps. I was certain those weren't there a moment ago. Ok then, I rearrange the things in my cabinet and behold! I have made room. Hefting the bike to my shoulder, I say softly, "I need this" and I place it into the cabinet.
I am pacing back and forth. No room. Nothing. Totally stuffed.

But wait! My writings! My pots and pans! No room! "But I need this", I say matter of factly and I turn back to the cabinet. I rearrange things. I turn my math equations on end, and use the ropes to tie back some of the strange devices I had put in there back when I was a child. "There!" I had made room, so in it goes.

Oh god. I turn around, and in the center of my living room are the designs and research of my day job. I turn back to my cabinet. I hear a click and then a clang and I spin back to see a closet door slowly creak open, and strange creatures spill out. All manner of gnome and goblin and faerie dart back and forth. I capture them in little glass boxes. I scoop each in turn and fit them into the cabinet. Beautiful, but be careful of the teeth.

Something very strange is happening. With each memory and with each talent I place into the cabinet, no sooner do I pull back my hands than I see one more small, dark space. But it isn't that. If I don't fill the hole, then the things around it settle in to occupy the gap. I need something to keep eveyrthing from shifting.

"There!" I grab my rock climbing shoes and shove them in. And a space opens up! I shove my graphic novels in, and a microphone, and video games. I continue through the night filling those holes. In the morning, I see a large hole to one side of the cabinet. It's painful to think of it all going to waste. I look around, frantic to fill it. I start to wonder, "Am I complete? Am I done filling this thing?" I need to go out and get more talents and memories. This simply won't do.
The doorbell rings. Actually, it must have been ringing for some time. I walk to foyer, somewhat defeated, panting, and pull the front door back.

Dark eyes looked up at me. A wicked smile and a soft pale hand reaches for mine. "Hello. I'm here about the ad."

"Hello" I reply. I can't take my eyes off of her. "Excuse me?"

"I was told you might have room enough for me?"

My mind was disturbed. Room, room, room. I don't have any...

I look at the cabinet. I start to laugh. "Actually, I think I have been preparing room for you all night long."

She peeks behind me and spies the cabinet. "Oh my!" She laughs even as her face flushes. "You know," she points at the cabinet, "I have one of those."