Yard Sale

I was playing with my junk out in the garage when I thought, "Hey! I can sell this for money!" It was hard lugging it around for people to see, and it was long and tiring, but there it was, laid bare in the morning sun. Many people came. Then more came. Some came two or three times, looking for that special connection. Some simply went to get some money. I had bottled water on standby because after sampling my wares, many people were exhausted and sweating -- and I aim to please. Sometimes I got a nickel, but as I got more comfortable haggling, I bumped my price up to a dollar.

One older gentleman, stout and bearded, lowered his glasses to the tip of his nose and smacked his lips. "Nice balls".

"Thanks" I replied, presenting three bright red balls about the size of plums.

"What's with the straps?" He queried.

"These are gags, sir."

Silence. The man eyed me for a full minute. Then he grunted and backed away. A matronly woman ushered her kids to the car. I was losing them -- our romp was coming to an end. The man was still backing up down the sidewalk, so I gave chase, "You don't understand sir!" And I showed him, "These go around your mouth! Sir! Don't run!"

I guess he did understand what I was saying after all. Oh well, some people are just plain odd. But, I guess next time my mother asks for help selling gramma's stuff, I'll politely refuse.

(I miss gramma's gnomes -- I think I'll untie one of them.)

Birthday-jitsu

(I wrote this to a friend of mine as an intimate private message, but I thought it was too funny/WTFish to tuck away into history, so here it is...)

"Everyone hide! Here she comes!"

Everyone scrambled into position, snickering with excitement. Some were tucked behind couches, some covered with curtains. One man pretended to be a lamp, balancing a shade on his head.

A key could be heard grinding its way into the lock. The knob jiggled, and a muffled expletive followed. The key receded and another key found its way. This time it felt complete, and with a solid click, the knob turned.

One of the women behind the largest couch was stifling a sneeze. Her friend reached out grinning and itched her nose for her.

The door cracked open and the smell of booze and wet cigarettes poured in and permeated the room. One of the older men winced and peered through one eye at his cohort across the way, who smiled meekly and shrugged.

Karen set one foot through the doorway. The heel of her shoe was broken and her other foot was completely bare. She did not hang her coat, but rather threw it limply at the wall near where a coatrack might have been.  She doubled over coughing.  As she wiped drool, she called out to no one in particular, "Happy goddam birthday!"

No one moved.

Karen proceeded through the room, oblivious of its occupants and pulled at an imaginary cord hanging from a stunned, shivering man. No light came on, but the man gave a meek "click" soind, and this seemed to satisfy Karen just fine. She ambled into the kitchen singing random syllables, pulled open the fridge, and stood, enjoying the cool air. "Alright, Karen." She commanded herself, "Let's get it together." Leaving the cooler door ajar, she walked into her bedroom, kicking off her remaining shoe as she entered.

"What the hell do we do?" Asked one of the heftier guests pretending to be a coffee table.

"I don't know. I thought I knew her better." Responded a very confused young women crouched behind a large vase. "Wait for her to pass out.  We'll just leave the cake and the card."

"Shhh" Hushed a woman, "She's coming back."

Karen had reentered the front room. Only she was no longer dressed in her soiled school marm outfit. She was clad in black latex, head to foot. She was rubbing her eyes as she pressed several places on the foyer wall. A painting slid to one side as a display case slid forward. Whips, gadgets, spikes, and guns were exposed. She collected her weapons and donned her night vision goggles. She laughed to herself, "Enough of this."

She pulled a hypodermic needle from a front pocket and pulled the cap off with her teeth.  She the needle up and into her neck with the an intense calmness. Sobriety poured through her limbs almost instantly. She gasped and breathed deep.  With an exhale, she kicked open the front door, looked into the night, and slid ruby goggles over her eyes. She marched out into the open air and let the door close behind her.

The calmness was broken with the crack of a whip and a rapidly retreating voice, "Fear me, Night!"

Then nothing.

After a minute of astonished silence, one young voice called out in an excited whisper, "That" he paused for effect, "was f***ing awesome!"